The Power of Authentic Questions

An authentic question is one in which the asker genuinely does not know the answer and is open to learning from the respondent. This differs from rhetorical or leading questions, where the asker often assumes they already know the answer. Authentic questions require curiosity and an openness to new perspectives, and when paired with uptake—where the questioner incorporates the responder's input into their follow-up questions—they become a powerful tool for dialogue and growth.

In the book 10 to 25, the concept of authentic questions with uptake is presented as a method of fostering better relationships and promoting deeper cognitive engagement. For example, rather than asking a child, "Why did you do that?" (implying blame or judgment), an authentic question would invite the child to reflect on their thought process. Something like, "What were you hoping would happen when you made that choice?" opens the door for deeper understanding. When the questioner listens to the response and adjusts their next question to build on that response—uptake—it further demonstrates respect and fosters collaboration.

Authentic Questions in Action: From Parenting to Negotiation

The application of authentic questions with uptake can be transformative across various contexts. For instance, in parenting, using a questioning routine like the one provided by Lorena Seidel in 10 to 25 allows parents to help their children reevaluate situations and see them from a new perspective. In one example from the book, a parent uses questions to guide their child through the emotions of not getting what they want, allowing the child to arrive at a new, more productive way of interpreting the situation. By focusing on "What else could it mean?" and "Is this way of thinking helping you?", the parent helps the child develop critical thinking skills and emotional resilience.

In negotiation, the use of authentic questions with uptake can similarly build trust and uncover deeper motivations. Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, uses a technique called mirroring—repeating the last few words the other person said as a question—to prompt further clarification without directly challenging the person. This technique serves as a form of authentic questioning with uptake, as it requires the negotiator to listen carefully and adapt to the other person's responses. As Voss explains, mirroring builds rapport and encourages the other party to reveal more of their true concerns, leading to more successful negotiations.

The Cognitive Benefits of Authentic Questions

Beyond building trust and rapport, authentic questions profoundly impact cognition. When individuals are asked authentic questions, they must engage in deeper thinking, which leads to better learning outcomes.

Authentic Questions as a Mentoring Tool

In coaching and mentoring, authentic questions are essential for helping individuals develop their own problem-solving skills. The concept of a "mentor mindset" often involves guiding someone to their own insights rather than simply providing answers. As discussed in 10 to 25, mentor-mindset exemplars like Sergio Estrada and Stef Okamoto demonstrate the power of questioning. By asking questions like "What do you think?" or "How would you approach this problem?" mentors help their mentees take ownership of their learning and build confidence in their abilities.

For instance, when Sergio Estrada received a late-night message from a student struggling with a physics problem, he resisted the urge to simply provide the answer. Instead, he asked the student to show him what they had done so far and then posed another question that guided the student to the solution. This approach not only helped the student solve the problem but also reinforced their belief in their ability to tackle difficult concepts independently.

The Transformative Power of Authentic Questions with Uptake

The use of authentic questions with uptake is a powerful practice in education, coaching, and parenting. By asking questions that are rooted in genuine curiosity and building on the responses we receive, we create opportunities for deeper understanding, stronger relationships, and transformative learning experiences. As the research shows, this approach is not only effective in fostering cognitive development but also in building trust and collaboration.

Whether you are a parent guiding your child through a tough situation, a coach helping a client navigate a personal challenge, or an educator seeking to promote deeper learning in your classroom, authentic questions with uptake are a tool you can use to foster growth, understanding, and resilience.

References

Voss, C. (2016). Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. Harper Business.

Yeager, D. (2024). 10 to 25: The science of motivating young people: A groundbreaking approach to leading the next generation—and making your own life easier. Harper.